Absence makes the heart grow fonder.....

And makes the mind go crazy......

I haven't posted in a little over a year now. And it's been pretty insane. I went from working two jobs to working 3 jobs in August. I finally managed to let go of two of them at the end of December ( a new years resolution to myself). I worked one full time job up until mid March and then decided I rreealllyyy hated that job. And by "reealllyyy hated" I mean it was pretty unbearable, stress wise. And I'm a girl who can pull an Atlas and hold the world on her shoulders, that has to say a little something. So I quit that place when I shared a phone call with my old HR director at my old job and found out that they still had no one to fill my position. I gave some consideration to my circumstances and I went promptly back to work there. I had managed to save up enough money that I could pay all my bills and lack a steady income for a few months anyhow. And I'm now in the process of applying to a few other government jobs to try and secure one of those. I really just need to pack up and move and apply for a park ranger position and live out the rest of my days as a hippy in the forest. I'd even go so far as to build be a tree house ;)

But enough dreaming for now. I've got this complex where I know where I want to be, I just can't seem to get there. Well, not completely. One good thing did happen. While working one of my many jobs I met a nice young fellow who I just so happened to procure as my current boyfriend. Yay! And as of January we moved in together and now reside in a nice little townhouse. We share with one of his best friends as a roomie. Life is pretty good for the moment.

I do hate though that I have spent so much time trying to become a "functioning member of society" that I have ignored a lot of myself. I've let my spirituality suffer a lot. I haven't been able to practice the way I used to or the way I want to. And I've decided that has to change. It's too important for me to just push it aside while I play a piece in this game of capitalism. Anyhow, I'm alive, life has changed (drastically), and I'm searching for my roots (once again). With all that complication I shall now leave you with a random picture of my roommates kitty who is unofficially and for all purposes now my kitty.

Time flies, I tell you! Time flies!

So, once again, time has slipped and it's been over a month since I've been able to get my butt back on here. Good news is that I am officially done working overnights for Job 2. I was literally getting about 3 hours of sleep in the morning and 1 or 2 hours of a nap at night before I had to go in. That was murder!! But now, I am back working just day. I won't rant about how I got tricked into working overnights. That's another story I wish to bi-pass. Something interesting though, I did TRY to quit on Thursday. Emphasis on TRY. A lot of things happened and to keep it sweet and simple I'm still employed there with the promise that they are going to try and make things better. We shall see. I've changed a lot as a person the past few years. At one point I would have sucked it up and let the place abuse me but now, I think I've lost my filter. You know the one that tells your mind hey maybe you should use that word, or that tone of voice. Nope, it's all gone. At least when people run out of chances. It can be a good and bad things I guess. I'm not rude or bitchy unless someone is that way to me first. I think life has just thrown so much at me the past few years I've gotten to the point where you will definitely hear what I have to say. lol.

So on another note, I suppose everyone saw the SuperMoon? I did but it wasn't so super. I think I missed the big show earlier in the afternoon. I didn't get to get an eye on it until about 11pm. It was pretty bright though. I opened my blinds and the kitty and I basked in the moonlight as we slept (that's our version of a full moon ritual. lol). I just love how this year has been so full of events. There was a Lunar eclipse on Yule, we had a SuperMoon on Ostara, What's next? Hello moon power, welcome, why don't you stay a while!

Speaking of Ostara, I hope everyone enjoyed the day. I most certainly did! Ostara and my Birthday aligned this year. So I most certainly made some Birthday wishes that counted. I spent the day with my mom and we partook in some retail therapy. Not much, for us it's not about the buying so much as it's about getting out the house and just being around people. lol. We're so special, I know. Although we did hit up the smell goods store and I even got a chance to visit the Disney Store. :D EXCITEMENT!! lol. And We ended the day with dinner with the rest of the local family and my two besties. I came home to my kitty and we did some birthday magic. I also baked some Ostara bread that I feed to the birds outside and planted some seeds for my garden. I'll do a separate post about all that I think. It'll allow you to view that instead of my ramblings, if you please lol.

So yes, overall, awesome sabbat! awesome birthday! awesome supermoon! And this morning started with a good ole fashioned rainstorm. Spring is definitely here! Hopefully it will bring about some much needed changes in my life. A girl can dream right?

Dear Universe,

Touche.

Sincerely, Jess

Do you ever one of those moments where you look at something and the universe comes full circle? Something happens and you're say, "FINE! I know, I know! I've been complaining too much! *sigh* My bad."


I'm currently babysitting Cheyanne, my God/Goddess daughter. I don't get to spend too much time with her because I work so much and she lives a good 30 minutes or so away from me. She's every bit of 3 going on 30. But her wisdom is infinite. Everything is better in purple, sponge bob rains supreme, and she is already a gamer girl in training (I'm so proud of that last one :D ). But looking at her puts a lot of things into perspective. The past few months of working two jobs can really tare a person down both mentally and spiritually. Everything can become so blurred and all in all you begin looking for a way to escape and give up. But I look at her and I think, ya know, life is only as difficult as you allow it to be. Often in life you only see the path you want to be traveling on. And that drives your intentions on the path you're on now. And you hope with all your might that at the end of the day, you're one step closer to the outcome you've been looking forward to. Perhaps that's been my problem the whole time. I've been knocking at a door expecting it to open instead of looking for another way in or trying another house.



So instead of complaining about having to work two jobs or the fact that those two jobs have nothing to do with my degree, I'm going to work on being happy that I actually have another job after over a year of trying to get one. And I'm going to be happy that I can actually pay most of my bills (minus school loans.... but let's not go there or talk about the extreme amounts they want from me). Life is about perspective. I learned that from Chey today. So what if you can't find the purple crayon. Grab another color and get to coloring! Or something like that hahaha. funny the life lesson that get thrown at you through the simplest of means. Silly universe. I hope your day is looking up like mine! Now, if you will excuse me. I've got a few episodes of Go, Diego, Go! to plow through. xP

My sage in all her wisdom hahaha

Questions of an Advancing Pagan

So, obviously I can't be alone when I say I'm a little frustrated and overwhelmed on my path. Being a solitaire witch has its good points and bad points. But lately I've been seeing most of the bad points. Like the lack of direction my path has taken. I kind of feel road blocked. I've read who knows how many books, blogs, and websites. And most of them repeat a lot of the same information. Which isn't a bad thing. For the the beginning Pagan or Witch there is a wealth of knowledge out there. And that definitely helped me get to this point on my path now. But as I feel myself advancing I find myself running out of resources to help me grow further. Where does a girl go from here? I've been at this road block stage for a while now. So I decided to take a break from my normal habit of researching and I've been reading things for fun (mmmm, scifi/fantasy books!! DELICIOUS!!!). But now I feel ready to jump back into my researching or discovering of the path and I have been falling short until recently. I found a book online the other day for about $2 (you've got to love the used book section on book store websites) called The Second Circle: Tools For The Advancing Pagan it's by Venecia Rauls. I've never heard of this author but one can't be too picky when it comes to advanced Pagan books. Especially this Pagan right here. I can't seem to find many books or much of anything at all. I'm only half way through the first chapter (sad isn't it lol) and it already has me thinking about things.

I think, like most people do in their daily lives, I too lack a certain level of confidence. You put me in a room alone lit only by a candle and tell me to perform a ritual or spell, you got it. I can handle that no problem. You bring me out in the daylight and ask me if I'm ready to advance on my path. I'll hesitate a little. I know that my knowledge is no where complete, but that's kind of the point isn't it. You never know EVERYTHING that there is to know, especially spiritually. Even coven leaders are still learning as they are teaching others. But I look in myself and I worry, "Am I ready?" I've been conflicting a lot lately with my path. Not so much the "am I sure I'm Pagan?" because that I know wholeheartedly. But more so on the level of, "Am I truly a Pagan in practice?" and that's where I falter some. I don't have a Pantheon, or any specific Deity that I call upon in ritual or life, I only perform spells in extreme rare occasions, and while I usually have every intention of holding a ritual something always comes up. So where does that leave me. I'm not sure that leaves me any where near where I need to be to advance to the next level. But I feel like I'm suffocating in the first level. So I find myself drifting in limbo. I know that in order to advance I don't need a specific pantheon of diety. Those come when the time is right. So I'm not too worried about that, at least not much. And spells come and go as you need them, at least that's my opinion. And while I need changes in my life, I find myself wanting to change it on my own and not ask the universe or the divine to grant me the will or help to do it. I feel wrong asking for help. Probably because I'm a stubborn mule who is beyond independent. Or if you're into psychiatry you could blame pride too >_< . For that I blame my father lol. But either way it brings my experience in performing spells down to a small minimum. However, I could write a spell with no problem. I have tons written in my little book. Just never performed. And this brings us to ritual. Everyone does things differently. Formal rituals, informal rituals, just lighting a candle and holding a conversation, everyone has their own unique style. If another person does their thing and follows their path then that is amazing and I will support them 110% and back you up in a court of law if I have to. But for me, for some reason I feel the need to have an actual ritual. When I say that I mean write it down, have an offering, call the quarters, invoke the Goddess and God, cast a circle, have a story about the Sabbat, the whole shabang (obviously not in that order though). But I find it hard to conduct ritual unless I stay up until 2 am and everyone else in the house has gone to sleep. So on most nights I find myself already asleep before the time everyone else is, and I feel terrible setting my alarm and waking up to do a ritual while I'm still half asleep (not to mention have work a few hours from then too). So when all is said and done. Is it possible for me to even think of advancing to a new level? I don't know. There is just so much to really think about. I will most certainly continue reading the book. And maybe I'll find my answers and my confidence along the way. And if not, maybe it will encourage me to make the changes that I personally feel I need in order to view myself as worthy of advancing to the next level. If not, I've been going back and thinking about starting from scratch. Rereading my old books, retaking notes, and starting from square one. Maybe doing that could help. Does any of this make me less of a Pagan? Not performing rituals/spells/having deities. Or does it just make me less of a Wiccan? Sometimes, I feel like it does. And I know I shouldn't feel that way, because as long as I believe what I believe in my heart then that is all that matters. But I can't help it. I feel like not having these having these things on a proper basis is like a Christian not going to church. No offense meant by the reference, but if you don't "practice what you preach" then who are you really? In this case, who am I?

November Already?!

Crazy insane, or insane crazy? I like to think I bounce between both borders. Well, I'm rather disappointed because I spent Samhain morning in the ER thanks to a kidney stone. It finally got to the point where I decided to see a doctor. had I insurance I would have seen one A LOT faster, but, alas, I have none. So fingers crossed the the bill won't kill me. With that means I slept the rest of Samhain away in a terrible drug induced coma. I did manage to light a candle for my loved ones and to set out some pomegranate and home roasted pumpkin seeds along with some Sangria (from the bottle since I obviously wasn't in my right mind to make any). I was really sad not to be able to a ritual or to go the the local one, but I think if my ancestors and loved ones did stop by they would have understood why. So I've missed my 3 favorite holidays: Halloween, Samhain, and Dia de los Muertos. That deserves an angry lion...... ROAR! I'll have to call a Doctor today and go in for a check up at some point to see if the stone is moving. At the ER we found out it's partially blocking my little tube, which isn't good, so I have to so see a urologist or however you spell it. *sigh* Can i just trade my body in for a newer version? Where's Dr. Frankenstein when you need him?!

So to turn things upward, I'll probably craft today. I need to do another witch hat for Witch Hat Wednesday, and I also have to finish some things for my HP swap. And I have fabric I have to package off to Canada for Simply Crunchy for her rainbow quilt she's making. I've lacked money to ship it until now. So I'll be putting that in the mail by weeks end! WOO HOO! And this all brings us to November. In American we have Thanksgiving in November, which much to wishful thinking is actually only celebrate by the US lol. Everyone should have a Thanksgiving. I guess technically we Pagans do. Mabon seems to be our version of such. Which means that the next Sabbat is Yule. That's over a month away! My house celebrates Yule and Christmas since I am the only Pagan in the family. I'm lucky my mom even recognizes my religion. I love her so much for that. So every year we make an effort to do little things outside of the Christmas box that are more Yule like. Instead of an artificial tree we've been getting real mini pine trees and if they survive the winter we plant them in the yard. I've been doing cranberry garlands, little snacks, and a bunch of tiny things. Baby steps people, baby steps. Even after 5 years on the path I'm still trying to integrate myself into the sabbats. I think this year I will have mini celebration for Yule. Not sure what to do yet, but I'll be sure to keep you updates. But for the moment, it's November. And all that really means to me is that I have a TON of Christmas gifts to craft for the family, not to mention a few Birthdays to prepare for! Have I said how much hate/love November? Well I do. So very, very much. And with that being said. I'm off! I have much sewing and planning to do today to prepare for the next two months. I leave you with my amazing squirrels, that always show me much love when I go to visit them.

Do you know a good organ harvester?

No, seriously? Know anyone who could use a spare kidney? Mine is about to get ripped out if it doesn't get it's act together. Apparently I have ANOTHER kidney stone.... or it's the same one from last weekend. I'm not sure. I've had about 4 or 5 of them so far since last November. It's insane. I've never had them before in my life! Why body?! Why!? Hopefully I can get some health insurance quickly with this new job or my dad can possibly help cover me on his plan until then. Ugh. Hopefully it won't stay too long. On the full moon last night I bought 3 massive pumpkins! When I say massive, I mean I could fit a small child inside of them!

See look. Definitely small child worthy. I put a square pot holder next to them for size. :) I'm so excited. If I'm up to it and my kidney starts to act like it has some sense I shall carve one tonight with me mum. It's a tradition. And maybe even the step dad will take part. I know yall don't know much about my step father, but just know we shared a conversation last night for the first time in a very, very, very long time. Maybe my autumn moon and Mabon wishes are actually working. I shall have to partake in more full moon rituals. (kind of like I should have last night, but the kidney and I were having a fight.) I got an amazing spell written for me by a friend, Andréann, that I can't wait to try out for mending/fixing the heart/self. I will give it a go tonight, body permitting.

Onto a non-kideny topic. I'm in a Halloween swap on the best website ever, craftster, and I wanted to share a few things I made for my partner. I know you all have seen Dracula, from earlier this month, that was one of the first things I made for her. Here a few others I'm rather proud of. Sue, if you read this, you should probably advert your eyes!

Please meet Dracula's BFF! The mummy! Not too shabby right? He's made the same way as Dracula and then just wrapped in white felt strips. Ok, so, I'm not a felt master, or a stuffie master at all, but I still think he's rather cute. Next are some of the other things I've made.

That's all I have for now. There were a few other things I included but these are the things I'm more so proud of. The others are ok, but not brag worthy. Well, I'm going to give work a call and wait for me mum. She's going to take me to the doctor. Somebody hope they don't treat me like last time. You would be surprised at how much of a second rate citizen you are considered without insurance. Blah. See yall later!

Oh, 9th Day, I loathe you

Today has been a day that I would have rather left in bed when I woke up this morning. ARGH! I got a flat tire, broke a bolt changing the tire because the place that put on the tire put the lug nut on at an angle, which means it wasn't coming off peacefully any how. I went and got a quote from a place and for a tire and the bolt it's going to cost me almost $200. HELLO! Poor college grad here. I can't even pay student loans. *HUFF* In case you haven't guessed yet that means, once again, no Poe house visit tomorrow. This is two weekends in a row. I'm feeling a conspiracy here. And I don't appreciate it. So other than spending my one day off a week running around getting my car fixed, I think I will try and focus on some positive. WHOOSAH!!!!

Ok, so in an up mood, kitty is eating again! YAY! I went to the vet and got his pain meds this morn and when I came home from work he was in such a good mood! Either that or he could sense my distress. Whatever it be, he was extremely lovey and has been eating on and off all night. I'm so happy!! I was getting worried again about him not eating. It's amazing the difference I've seen in him tonight. :D

OH! And I came across these a week ago or so and decided I HAVE to have them!

Yep. That's right. THOSE ARE PUMPKIN BLOOMERS!!!!!! WHAT?!?!?!?! You can find them here. Unfortunately, as you have been reading, money is not in the pocket right now, so like all good crafters, I plan on making my own pair. That is my task for tomorrow. I have some scrap blue jersey fabric that I will use as a practice run since I fail at making pants (God I hate making pants!). If I succeed at the mark up pair then I will search the high seas for orange jersey, which of course will be followed by black for a skeleton pair (mais oui!). It's only natural in my opinion. I also think a nice green franky pair would be awesome. Who knows, I have to get past the original mark up. I'm having trouble about what face to put on the blue ones. It's a nice light blue. Maybe I'll do a winter theme. I found a few tutorials online that are kind of helpful for making your own bloomers. I just hate making patterns for myself. I can draw up a pattern for someone else in no time flat. For me, it's a terrible process that requires me measuring and I hate measuring. I mean, who doesn't. Blah. In case your wondering I'm a rather attractive figure... in my head. On the outside I tend to be quite square or rectangle like.... So goal tomorrow, make bloomers and maybe even another witch hat. Sewing always eases my whaos.

So my loves, I will leave you with this. Damh the Bard's Samhain Eve. He's one of my favorite Pagan artists and he's coming the Michigan for Beltaine!! I've already decided my new second job is going to fund my trip up there to see him perform. I know it's a good 17 hour drive from Virginia but he's from the UK and I don't know the next I will be flying over there to see the grands. Plus, who doesn't love a good road trip to a 4 day pagan festival? Enjoy Loves! See you tomorrow!

Unexplainable

I don't know how to say it. The past two weeks are just... well... unexplainable. Furball is still keeping me up and waking me up, but he is feeling better. We revistied the vet Monday and I brought along mom who helped me keep my head on straight and we accomplished some good stuff. He now has meds for nausea and pain relief for his mouth. Too bad we had to be the ones to ask about it..... you tihk since they knew those symptoms were happening they would have said something about it first. We shouldn't have had to ask..... oh well. And they gave us an IV bag full of liquid so we can hydrate him once every two days. ok.... so you read that right? fluids in an IV bag... you know the only way to get them in his body?!? Hook him up to a needle for about 5 minutes.... NEEDLES!!!! Ya know for a woman who sews so much she is constantly pricked hundreds of times a day, I am deathly afraid of needles. Ironic? Pretty much. Funny? Slightly. Nerve racking? ABSOLUTELY! So, I gave him his first IV Wednesday.... it was insane. Easily done but it seriously took a lot in me to conquer my fears and do to him what I hate others doing to me. I mean needles are why I never finished signing up for nursing school. I took all the placement tests and was aquiring financial aid when I decided....shit... I can't do this. Needles and blood my friends..... freak.me.out! But atleast he is feeling better and hopefully we will have him grace us with a few more years. That would make me happy. But in the mean time, I am sooo exhausted. Oh well, on to business as usual. I'm not sure if it's the lack of sleep or knowing my cat is terribly sick but I've had the most dreadful feelings this week. Like something is about to happen and it's not going to be a good thing. Let's keep our fingers crossed that it's all just my sleep deprived mind going on a rampage and it's not really a warning.

Other than my current dose of the crazies (as stated above >_<) I've been doing a lot of crafting and a lot of thinking. I need to take a break from everything. I just need some time to myself. I lie, actually I realized this about a month or so ago and I have been putting it into effect since. I've slowly began a period of isolation from friends and family. The only people I talk to currently are online. Every few years I enter a period of isolation for a few months. It's extremely needed. It allows me to clear my head, reconsider my priorities, rearrange and change things in my life, and deal with whatever I have going on. I'm sure there is some shrink out there who is like, "Why, this isn't healthy!" to which I would reply, "Neither is spreading myself too thin!" long story short, this is my imagination and I just won that argument ;) I'll create a list later tonight or tomorrow when I finish crafting for these swaps and start to reorganize my life a little. I'll give myself a week to really lay it all down. Which is good because the local Mabon and Pagan Pride celebrations are this Saturday and hopefully I will have something to purge and throw in the fire.

And now, to change the subject. On the crafting front I am working on a new quilted duffel bag pattern and have just discovered that one... I suck at designing patterns .........and two, I despise clear vinyl. I think I will have to completely toss the bag I was working on and just try a regular rounded shaped duffel bag. I'm doing this for a swap and it needs to be water proof, hence the clear vinyl. My thought was to make it super water proof. Seriously, she could probably carry water in the duffel bag instead of clothes if she wanted. But I am having the hardest time with working out the zipper closure. Ilove to hate zippers. *sigh* Other than that disaster, I am also working on book binding for the first time. I'll be doing that tonight. I need to do two separate books. And I am finishing a beading project that I am slightly proud of. Pictures will hopefully follow their completion! Well, I've doddled long enough. Back to the craft room!! Wish me luck!

Sunday Funday!!

I love Sundays!!! With it being my only day off from the work force it's become an amazing day for me. But this Sunday I have slept most of it away. My kitty, Furball, has been really ill the past few months and he's been keeping me up at night and waking me up at like 3am and I'm getting now sleep at all. I'm so exhausted. He's been diagnosed with kidney disease and pretty much it's terminal. At first we were like it's ok, life is terminal, he'll be fine as long as we keep giving him meds. But now it's getting to the point where he isn't eating anything at all, but mostly due to there being a problem with his teeth and him being nauseous. I took him to the vet last week and they gave him an injection for dehydration but other than that they kind of twiddled their thumbs and shrugged their shoulders. They can't clean his teeth because he has a heart murmur and arrhythmia and because he's so old. I refuse to accept this, there is something that they can do. Give him meds for his nausea, at least look at his teeth for longer than 5 seconds, and suggest foods that would be safe for him to eat. Of course, I guess I twiddled my thumbs too since I failed to ask all this, but when you are there alone and have someone in your face telling you there is nothing that can be done..... all I can think of is how much longer do I have with him? So i will be taking him to the vet again this week and I will have a written list of questions and concerns. I still don't think it's fair that you have to pay everything upfront at the vet. If his treatment is $300 then that has to be paid right then and there. If they could bill me or something like a human doctor I could afford to get him hospitalized and on an IV and the works. And maybe then he wouldn't be so restless and starving. It makes me rethink the whole pet thing. I have always had pets throughout my life. More than I could count on my fingers and toes combined. But now I don't know if I will ever want another pet unless I working an amazing $40,000 a year job where I can afford to take him and get the works done. It's not fair that he has to suffer due to my financial disposition. But I guess it's the same with human doctors as well. People can't get treated or given the time of day without the the green to back it up. I don't have insurance right now. I haven't for over a year now. I know first hand how you get snubbed at the hospital or doctors because you're not covered, or how you can't go to get seen unless it's a life or death situation because the bills are unreasonable! I'm just so frustrated with life right now. *sigh* But what's a girl to do?

Well, I avoid life by crafting and getting lost in the sci fi/fantasy worlds written by so many talented authors. So this week I will be sending out two packages of the 3 that I am registered in. My Mabon package is near completion, I'm just wrapping up the very last thing on it. And I am angeling for a Fitness/Lose Weight swap, which I need to get started on crafting for. I know exactly what I am going to make her, I am just lacking materials. Funds have been kind of tight lately because of all the vet visits. But I only need to buy fabric and that shouldn't cost me but so much. I'll be going out later this afternoon or tomorrow morning to get the fabric so that I can get it all taken care of. My final swap doesn't get sent until Oct. 5. And I am slacking on that one. I have everything I want to do and most of the materials. I even have a few things crafted for it, but I am so bogged down with life I haven't been really inspired lately. Although, I'm not gonna lie, she's a cool lady and I can't wait to make everything for her. I had to research her style because I know nothing about wayward and rockabilly fashions. I think after these swaps though I will only be doing the WWP swaps from now on until after the holidays. I still haven't started crafting for Christmas. And that's a problem, because everything is homemade this year (again) and I need to get started now if I am ever going to make this deadline. I love Autumn and winter, and yet they stress me out the most. Stupid holidays. Alas, it is time to go. I must finish sketching up these things so I can go buy fabric (I love the fabric store! I don't know why they won't just hire me there!). G'day loves!

Face lift of the room kind

So, the room is partially finished. Just need a little tidy (aka the MOUNTAIN of clothes I need to sort and hang), and I have one wall left to put my stuff on. I rearranged my room on Saturday because my dad gave me his old tv, it's a massive 43 inch TV. I don't watch Tv hardly, but I plan on moving out of here soon and I would like to have a nice TV for my future living room to entertain ppl (and also to game on.... my old TV was crap for gaming! But I don't do that much anymore soooo yeah). Either way, it takes up a bit more room than my old small one so I had to buy a new TV stand. I love the local thrift stores!! I go a nice Sony Tv stand for about $20 and it's durable enough to hold my weight and the TV's weight (and let me tell you we are both some heavy things!). I took my old TV stand and turned it into a book/DVD shelf and then I realized I needed another book shelf for all my witchy/pagan books so I took my fabric shelf out of the craft room and transported it to my room. And I can say for the first time in a few years, my room is starting to feel like me again. College brought terrible stresses and made me feel like I was loosing myself. And for a while I did. So my room stayed the same pretty much. A dull blah reflection of what I was. Ok, that may be a little melodramatic. lol. I mean, the room is still pretty much the same, it's just moved around a little. But it feels new, and I even rearranged the stuff I have on my walls as well. So I'm just going to call it new! Anyways, I know it's cluttered looking but here is the new TV and bookshelves!! I'll have to add pics of the other walls and stuff later after it's all cleaned and finished. I've designated that wall as my entertainment wall hence the massive clutter of movie posters, signed cd's, travel puzzles, and post secret post cards. Oh and guess what else is in the photo!? A new printer!! Complements of Mon père (my dad!). The household one isn't working and the step dad hasn't bothered to fix it (probably b/c he doesn't need it so why bother, right? .... yeah :p ) And I was explaining to my dad how I was going out to get a printer on payday because I needed one to keep my files up to date and it comes in handy with swaps and patterns as well. We went to diner and he was like, "Well, let's go check it out." So Viola! New printer! And it even scans too! I'm so excited. It makes my life so much better. Now I just need to work on getting a new laptop that runs a bit faster. But it's ok, baby steps.

Massive ain't it?

My dad and I have always had a strange relationship. It's kind of complicated. He wasn't a terrible father growing up per se, but I think he could have done better. A lot of my contempt from men strands from him and a few others which shall remain nameless at the time. But anyways, he's done a lot of stupid shit... I mean really stupid shit. And up until recently I've disliked him.... a lot. But I think as I've gotten older and he's had time to reflect on things we've both come to an understanding about life and have gotten closer. It's nice and it means a lot to me. And a lot of that is probably because he's not attempting to be my coach on the sports arena any more and the fact that we don't live together. If those two factors were still in play I'm pretty sure one of us would have killed the other. No, that's not a metaphor, that's serious.

But, anywho, I haven't been able to get into my craft room yet. It needs to be cleaned and rearranged as well. And yesterday the urge to make something hit me kind of hard. So, I was googling around for fall crafts and witchyness and I came across a craft blog where these local ppl get together once a week or something and craft random things. And I found this post about beaded leaves. There was no tutorial on it, but from just looking at the pic I could figure out how it was done. Pretty much the same style as making things from pony beads when you were like 12. So here is my version of a maple leaf.

I plan on doing a few more or maple, oak, and regular leaf shapes and putting them together to make a Mabon head band or something. It's not half bad looking for no pattern or tutorial. It will look better when I get the red, green, and orange in there and make it look even more harvest like. I'm hoping that will ease my crafting needs for the week until I get the craft room sorted.

Oh, and the HP wands I was working on for my friend turned out ok. I didn't get a pic b/c they were a little substandard for me. But I have another batch of shortbread in the fridge waiting to be used so I think I'll work on those tomorrow and see how they come out. Shortbread was definitely the way to go with it. It held its shape way better. I still have until November to perfect them since that's when my friend's birthday is. I told her she would be having a Very Harry Potter Birthday, complete with skiving snack boxes, wands, and probably some pumpkin juice. I'm excited.Well, I think that's all my rambling for the moment. I have another Pagan-esque topic I want to talk about, but alas, my room awaits me for it's final face lift. Wish me luck that it doesn't eat me! lol

Unlock and Unwind

I've been really lucky this week. I have been working at a summer camp called Camp Gonnawannagoagin. This is a camp specifically for Autistic children and has year round sessions for winter, spring, and summer breaks. It's amazing. I got introduced to it almost 5 years ago when I started working at my job. I work in-home and in-community with an Autistic teen one on one. It's the best job I have ever had and I wouldn't trade it in for the world. I work the camp for about one or two weeks a year when the guy I work with goes. His mom prefers that I go with him and if I am unavailable she won't send him (which I didn't know until last year when I was unable to go..... stupid France). She prefers me because he can't speak. He only does sign language and he is very picky about several things and I work with him year round and I know how to handle his reaction and I can understand his sign language. So we go to camp every year and every year we have an AMAZING TIME!!

This week we have gone to the arcade, fire station, Aquarium/Horseback riding, kayaking, and not to mention we go swimming everyday! Tomorrow we get to go to a huge water park and we have a party complete with fun at the park and CUPCAKES (they have a party every Friday to celebrate and send off the campers who are leaving). It's a blast and it's nice, even if it's only for a week or two every year, to be able to go out to places with a group of others and feel like we belong. I take the guy I work with out in the community everyday but most people are still iffy when it comes to understanding why he acts the way he does. It doesn't bother me so much now, but in the beginning it was rather annoying having people stare at us or cast dirty looks. Now we just ignore them and we have a routine so the places we go to know us. It's just nice to be around others who understand and who are dealing with the same things we are.

I used to be a special education major in college for the first 2 years. I switched for several reasons. But I mainly switched because after observing and getting into the school systems I realized I couldn't make the difference teaching a class that I do working one on one like I do now. The school systems in Virginia are bogged down with restrictions and paper work. Did you know you can't even hug a child without it being misconstrued sexual harassment? I shit you not. I have a problem extremist structures and the school systems have become just that. I applaud anyone who can deal with it and who has made the commitment to work there. But it's not for me. I make the difference here, doing what I do. And that's all that matters to me.

Anywayz, needless to say, I have been super busy this week. Being a camp counselor is tiring! SHEW! But the pay is quite nice. I ♥ camp!!>

^Tire Swings Rock!!

^Another counselor tickling my camper

^ mmmmm, CUPCAKES!!!

Dancing with Dragonflies

"Around he circles and follows near,

He keeps time with my steps and pace.

And much like a superhero he shows no fear

As he weaves in and out with childlike grace.

The water spritzes and the sun reflects

Displaying rainbows within the wet.

And quickly he zooms through its silhouettes,

With a careless poise that’s laughable, and yet,

It somehow becomes a dance of freedom, of wonder.

It entrances me and takes me to a place I haven’t been in a very long time.

Moments whirl by in a lifeless blunder,

And once again innocence and curiosity shine.

Without even knowing it Red teaches me so much.

Life is better kept simple without the rush."

~RippledWater~

And so it's August, the heat is in full swing, rain storms happen every night, and I am still dancing with dragonflies.



It's been 3 months almost since I graduated from college and not a job in site. Let me reword that. There are tons of jobs in site, just nothing local. And I can't afford to move out on my own to another state just yet. And I wouldn't be too pressed about it if things were a lot better at home or if I wasn't so worried that putting so much time between myself and my degree field would make me obsolete. But in all honesty, I'm not sure I even want to work in degree field. I have toyed with the thought of opening a restaurant or bakery since that is one of my passions. Or I have even contemplated opening a crafty business. I had my heart set on the latter for almost a year now, but Mabon is almost here and I don't have any stock or money to make stock in order to sell at the upcoming Pagan Pride Festival. And with that being said, I am vowing that in a year I will have amazing, crafty, pagan, goodness to sell next year at Mabon and Beltaine and maybe even a few of the other local events outside the Pagan community. And hopefully a second job or a full time job will come my way in the mean time to help me secure funds for all of this. Either way, I know everything will work out. It always does. Kind of like when I lose things, like my keys or money (which I happily blame the fae for!) it always comes back, one way or another. And that's not belief in destiny, that's belief in life in general. :)



Life has been crazy busy the past few weeks. My nanny died last month (that would be a grandmother for all you non nanny label users, lol). My dad is taking it in a decent fashion. We don't talk about it. That's how he handles things. I get that from him. We prefer to suffer in silence and carry on with the world on the outside. I was preparing my what-to-make-for-christmas-and-for-who list yesterday, and it just was weird not putting her name on it this year. I made her a country-esque quilt last year that she loved. She grew up on a farm in the Midwest, somewhere around Illinois and Missouri. I'll always remember her for her country style and slang. Growing up she would make snow cream in the winter.... you will never have anything like hers. It was amazing. And she made the best damn mashed potatoes and fried fish and chicken!! Dad loved her collards and corn bread. Around here in VA it's called soul food, and that pissed her off. She would always say, "Ain't no damn soul food! That's country cooking! Been around longer than damn soul food!" hahaha. It was terrible. She's had lung cancer for quite a number of years now but it hadn't been affecting her too bad, considering it was terminal. She was perfectly ok until February before her birthday. She had to go in for surgery and things were never the same from then on. She spent the following months in and out of the hospital and nursing home. Finally, last month she passed due to a mixture of pneumonia and the cancer. I went to see her in the hospital the day before she passed. It was like I knew what was going to happen. She had been unconscious for days now drifting in and out, but mostly out. I walked in, said my goodbyes and held her hand. As I was about to leave I told her "Goodbye Nan! I'll see you later!" And she opened her eyes and looked right at me. Her arms jerked like she wanted to move but didn't have the energy for it, so I went in and gave her a hug. Her eyes remained closed but I know she knew I was there. I had been dealing pretty well until now, but thinking about the holidays makes it harder now. I only have two blood grandparents alive now. My mom's mother who lives in South Dakota. We don't speak. And my dad's father who is currently in Missouri somewhere. Last I heard from him was when I returned from Africa in Jan. 2009. He had sent me a package of all the old photos my mom and dad had sent him throughout my childhood and up until current. He included a note that said he wanted them returned to me in case something happened. He knew his wife wouldn't be able to go through everything and handle it. I've sent him letter and called, but no one answers or replies. He could have passed and I don't know if anyone would ever tell me. But I can't think like that. I know his wife would find a way to tell me. She's a sweet woman. I wish I had been able to spend more time getting to know her.

So in between dealing with that and the memories of others who have passed before, one of my best friends was dealing with issues with her fiance and I was trying to be supportive for her, and of course the home front which I'm trying to remain positive about life has been, well, pretty complex. Not that life has ever been anything but. ;) Any who, here we are again. I find the most freedom in my crafting and in nature. It's the only time throughout the day when I don't have to think about others around me and I'm able to almost empty my mind and just..... breathe. I think this summer my favorite part of nature are the dragonflies. They've played an important role this summer, more than usual. When I go out to water my garden or just to look for things to harvest one is always around. I have about 2 or 3 that I call my "usual suspects." One I have affectionately names Red. Why? Cuz he's red. Creative of me huh? lol. He likes to come around and he actually will dance and run in and out and around my spray from the hose. It's like he's playing with me. It's adorable. I'll have to catch it on camera next time. So as an ode to my Red, I have themed this summer as "Dancing with Dragonflies." I think it has a ring to it. Red and the others help to remind me that there is nothing wrong with childlike perspectives on life, and sometimes that's exactly what people need. It's ok to believe that hiding under a blanket will protect you from monsters, or that sometimes when life has given you weights you just need to throw your hands up and start dancing. Take simple pleasure from listening to the birds, or feeling the breeze wrap itself around you. Life is terminal, and there is just too much of it rushing by when you just stand there. I started to breathe and live life 6 years ago my junior year in high school. And since I made that promise I think I have done pretty well with it. Now that everything else is over and I am in the "real world," as others like to say, it's time to really do some living and go for my goals. It's time to take flight and dance with the dragonflies and not look down or back.

Freedom Through Self

The shadows crawl through a blind night
As liquid life spills from the pitcher.
Taking the form of the vessel given,
A round half moon, in this night of magickal rest.
Reflecting pool of the moonless breeze,
Let my light bounce between us
Causing waves in your bowl
And self discovery in my soul.

~Rippled Water


I'm thought I would take a break from doing some amazingness for my Gypsy Swap that I'm in, in order to let things dry. I am going so crazy without my craft room. It's so hot outside and the room/used to be porch is just concrete blocks so it's about double what it is outside. I can't sit out there for 30 seconds without pouring sweat!! UGH! I miss sewing so much. I haven't used my machine in months. I've been trying to do other crafty techniques and mediums to make it not so bad, but seriously, I have mad amounts of fabric I need to use up before I can even think about buying more. But whatever. It's July and the fall will be here soon.

Oh, the fall. Honestly, the only real part I enjoy is Halloween/Samhain. Fall and Springs are my favorite times of year but they also bring reminders of sadness. Bittersweet. I was given a reminder today about life and how I have chosen to live it. Actually, the whole day has served as a reminder. I woke this morning to be tagged in a note a good friend of mine had written on Facebook about love. The loving energies between strangers and friends working toward a common goal, helping each other out. And while I enjoyed her note, it got me thinking about love between partners and relationships. It's been a while since I had opened myself up enough to bother with that type of things. I've been single for over 2 years now. This February will make 3 years! :D And it has it's good and bad points. For the first time in my entire life I have been able to focus on me without having to wrap my whole world around someone else. And this freedom feels..... GOOD! It comes with the obvious pluses of being single. I can do what I want, not have to answer to anyone, I can look any direction I want, and I can spend more time with friends and family. But it also comes with this almost blissful freedom. It's almost spiritual. And because I have taken the opportunity to allot this time to myself I have grown immensely in many different ways. I have matured... A LOT! I can look back on old relationships and friendships and see where I was at fault and where others were just as much the blame. I can look back and see how unhealthy of a lifestyle I was leading myself down. The dependency I was creating. And just how much I based my future decisions on the decisions of others. After my last "relationship" ended... and we shall call it that for lack of a better word... I made a vow to myself. I told myself that if others could be selfish and live for them then why should I not be given the same chances. So here we are. Three years later. And, yes, there are some Cons to living this "single" life. It would be nice to have companionship, it would be nice to have another to share intimacy with, and it would be nice to have someone who I could share my world with. But the more I look at these excuses, the more I realize that I have ALL of that already, the only thing missing is a Penis. And, ladies, let's be honest, that's not at all necessary. hahaha. But I have never made use of that anyway. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a 23 year old virgin. Of my own free will at that! You tell me how many others you can find like that. I only know one other, one of my best friends. We decided that guys at our age are just full of drama. Once we get out in the world and they have aged, like a fine wine, and seasoned up a bit then we will worry about focusing on finding a mate. But at the moment, I have everything I need in life right here, right now.

My mother apologized to me the other day. I had a flat tire and I had to change it in front of the house before we could go anywhere. This man came out from across the street and offered help but I kindly told him thanks but I have it. And went on changing my tire. Mom and I got talking about women and how they are viewed as a damsel in distress and this led to a discussion of my "hatred" of men...... for clarity, I don't hate men, but I am starting to find their usefulness pretty low on the scale. She believes it's her fault that I'm such a bitter harpy.. haha. But honestly, it's not her fault. Yes, I would have benefited from having her have more of a backbone when it came to dad and now my stepdad. And it would have been nice to see her be more independent. But honestly, if anyone is at fault for my terrible outlook it would be the men who have come and gone throughout my life. All of my ex's, my dad, my stepdad, grandparents, all of these people helped shape my world and have yet to take any responsibilities for their actions. My dad is starting to understand and see. He's began to apologise and throughout the past 5 years of so we have begun the long road of reconciliation and reestablishing a bond or sorts. My stepdad, well, that's another very long story that I don't wish to discuss on my blog. I want this to be a place of self discovery, love, and light. And while I don't promise every blog will be light hearted and fun, I don't want to bring any negativity to it. And unfortunately, that's what he is full of currently. Long story short. It touched me that my mom would apologise but at the same time it saddened me that she found herself responsible. Everyone has their baggage. This is mine. I have chosen to pack it carefully and bring it with me. And when I am able to spark the change that my life needs, I will be the one to unpack it and toss it overboard. I bare my burdens. I once read an essay by Jesse Wolf Harden entitled "Burden Basket." It basically says throughout life you carry a basket on your back. And as you go along life's journey you pick up stones and whatever you feel you need to keep for the road ahead and place it in your basket. At times you will come to rest and take a break and empty out a few things you no longer need or want to be reminded of. But the key to the story is that YOU decide what YOU carry, how you carry it, and when you get rid of it. If you ever get a chance to read it, you should. I found it in a book edited by Patricia Telesco titled "Cakes and Ale for the Pagan Soul." (Great book by the way, highly recommended). Back to the point. I believe what essay said wholeheartedly. And it opened my eyes. I think I want to go through my life for the remainder of the summer months and begin to cleanse, purge and release what haunts me. I want to start to have a more optimistic look in things without falling into the trap of stereotypes and what others decide is optimistic and necessary. I also want to toe the line. I don't want to fall back into the trap I was in a few years ago where I was so optimistic about life I became blind to it's realities. I may begin tonight with the New Moon, just simply by making a list. I want to keep track of everything, and begin mentally working on things. And upon Mabon (an anniversary or sorts for me) I will turn a new leaf and begin a new life. Not completely new, just almost like adding anew addition to a house. I want to add new additions to myself that will bring the value of the self to a higher level than it currently is.

WHEW!!! That was a lot to get off my brain and chest. WOW! The inner workings of me, who knew. On another note, TONIGHT IS THE NEW MOON!!! What will I be doing tonight besides purging? I will be doing a small ritual to send healing to the Gulf for the oil spill thanks to a blog I discovered through a friend. I'm actually kind of excited to meet at the water once again. Furball and I quite enjoyed it last time. http://www.thediviningwomen.blogspot.com

What a day, What a day!

WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY!!!! I payed my bills (ok so a few are a little late, but that's neither here nor there), did some sketching out of ideas, watered my garden, cleaned my room and managed to change my bed set without the cat going insane and flipping out. I feel GREAT! It's definitely a change in the way I have been feeling as of late. Hopefully it will stay on track. I need to do a house cleansing but I have to wait until I'm home alone for that. So, hopefully, that will get done Friday and change the tide of the whole house as well. The animals are acting strange. The dog, cat, and guinea pig all are not eating. I mean, the pig is sick with a tumor so we understand that, but the dog and cat are both turning their noses up to everything except human food. There's no reason for it. It's not like they get a lot of human food, if any. Who knows. I hope tides begin to change.

On to another note, I have been growing a herb garden this year and it's going ok. I've lost my Marjoram, Dill, and the first Sage plant I had brought that was full of purple flowers already. But the new Sage plant is growing like crazy! And I love it! My Thyme is getting on ok, Basil needs to be re-potted, Mint could be doing better but it's not too shabby, Lavender confuses me since it hasn't bloomed, but I guess that's expected the first year. My rosemary is turning a little reddish/burgundy. I hope that's just because it's growing and getting older. Stevia is growing like crazy! I really need to figure out how to use it in my teas. My Lemon Balm is not doing well at all, I think it would be dead by now if it weren't so damn stubborn. It makes me sad because I absolutely love the smell of it. My Eucalyptus confuses me too. I think it should be getting bigger but so far it's not doing much of anything. My marigolds are growing very well, and I can't wait to harvest those! I've run out of glass jars to store the herbs in as I harvest, I need to take another trip to Big Lots and get some canning jars. I used my Eucalyptus and Mint leaves to make oils, but it's the first time I have tried making my own oils. I'm not sure it's working out quite so well. They haven't taken on any of the scent yet of the the herbs. It's been about 2 weeks now... *SIGH* I'll leave them in there for a few more and hope for the best. Maybe I should move them to my room instead of the craft room. It's the same temperature as outside in there. I'll probably do that tonight. I'll put my little herbal cabinet/apothecary on my weekend to do list. So far it's not too lengthy.

Weekend To Do:

1. Organize Herb Cabinet
2. Research Oils
3. Fix Water Hose
4. Look into Planting My Herbs Permanently in the Ground
5. Finish Two Projects: one for each swap I am currently in
6. Think About a Lugh/Lammas Altar (sketch it out)
7. Find a New Place for My Healing Cards (the place there hanging isn't working out)
8. Update My Swap Book
9. ID and Classify All My Stones
10. Alter/Fix My God Stuffie Pattern
11. FIND MY MISPLACED TAROT CARDS!!! (should be moved to the top but oh well)

The first sage plant. I LOVE the picture. It makes me sad it died so soon.

Thyme from the garden. It's since been re-potted. I need to upload newer pics.

Marigolds and Blue Boy's I believe. I can't remember.

Darn thing laid eggs on my corn stalk. But I haven't the heart to kill them or place them somewhere else. *sigh*