Questions of an Advancing Pagan

So, obviously I can't be alone when I say I'm a little frustrated and overwhelmed on my path. Being a solitaire witch has its good points and bad points. But lately I've been seeing most of the bad points. Like the lack of direction my path has taken. I kind of feel road blocked. I've read who knows how many books, blogs, and websites. And most of them repeat a lot of the same information. Which isn't a bad thing. For the the beginning Pagan or Witch there is a wealth of knowledge out there. And that definitely helped me get to this point on my path now. But as I feel myself advancing I find myself running out of resources to help me grow further. Where does a girl go from here? I've been at this road block stage for a while now. So I decided to take a break from my normal habit of researching and I've been reading things for fun (mmmm, scifi/fantasy books!! DELICIOUS!!!). But now I feel ready to jump back into my researching or discovering of the path and I have been falling short until recently. I found a book online the other day for about $2 (you've got to love the used book section on book store websites) called The Second Circle: Tools For The Advancing Pagan it's by Venecia Rauls. I've never heard of this author but one can't be too picky when it comes to advanced Pagan books. Especially this Pagan right here. I can't seem to find many books or much of anything at all. I'm only half way through the first chapter (sad isn't it lol) and it already has me thinking about things.

I think, like most people do in their daily lives, I too lack a certain level of confidence. You put me in a room alone lit only by a candle and tell me to perform a ritual or spell, you got it. I can handle that no problem. You bring me out in the daylight and ask me if I'm ready to advance on my path. I'll hesitate a little. I know that my knowledge is no where complete, but that's kind of the point isn't it. You never know EVERYTHING that there is to know, especially spiritually. Even coven leaders are still learning as they are teaching others. But I look in myself and I worry, "Am I ready?" I've been conflicting a lot lately with my path. Not so much the "am I sure I'm Pagan?" because that I know wholeheartedly. But more so on the level of, "Am I truly a Pagan in practice?" and that's where I falter some. I don't have a Pantheon, or any specific Deity that I call upon in ritual or life, I only perform spells in extreme rare occasions, and while I usually have every intention of holding a ritual something always comes up. So where does that leave me. I'm not sure that leaves me any where near where I need to be to advance to the next level. But I feel like I'm suffocating in the first level. So I find myself drifting in limbo. I know that in order to advance I don't need a specific pantheon of diety. Those come when the time is right. So I'm not too worried about that, at least not much. And spells come and go as you need them, at least that's my opinion. And while I need changes in my life, I find myself wanting to change it on my own and not ask the universe or the divine to grant me the will or help to do it. I feel wrong asking for help. Probably because I'm a stubborn mule who is beyond independent. Or if you're into psychiatry you could blame pride too >_< . For that I blame my father lol. But either way it brings my experience in performing spells down to a small minimum. However, I could write a spell with no problem. I have tons written in my little book. Just never performed. And this brings us to ritual. Everyone does things differently. Formal rituals, informal rituals, just lighting a candle and holding a conversation, everyone has their own unique style. If another person does their thing and follows their path then that is amazing and I will support them 110% and back you up in a court of law if I have to. But for me, for some reason I feel the need to have an actual ritual. When I say that I mean write it down, have an offering, call the quarters, invoke the Goddess and God, cast a circle, have a story about the Sabbat, the whole shabang (obviously not in that order though). But I find it hard to conduct ritual unless I stay up until 2 am and everyone else in the house has gone to sleep. So on most nights I find myself already asleep before the time everyone else is, and I feel terrible setting my alarm and waking up to do a ritual while I'm still half asleep (not to mention have work a few hours from then too). So when all is said and done. Is it possible for me to even think of advancing to a new level? I don't know. There is just so much to really think about. I will most certainly continue reading the book. And maybe I'll find my answers and my confidence along the way. And if not, maybe it will encourage me to make the changes that I personally feel I need in order to view myself as worthy of advancing to the next level. If not, I've been going back and thinking about starting from scratch. Rereading my old books, retaking notes, and starting from square one. Maybe doing that could help. Does any of this make me less of a Pagan? Not performing rituals/spells/having deities. Or does it just make me less of a Wiccan? Sometimes, I feel like it does. And I know I shouldn't feel that way, because as long as I believe what I believe in my heart then that is all that matters. But I can't help it. I feel like not having these having these things on a proper basis is like a Christian not going to church. No offense meant by the reference, but if you don't "practice what you preach" then who are you really? In this case, who am I?