Questions of an Advancing Pagan

So, obviously I can't be alone when I say I'm a little frustrated and overwhelmed on my path. Being a solitaire witch has its good points and bad points. But lately I've been seeing most of the bad points. Like the lack of direction my path has taken. I kind of feel road blocked. I've read who knows how many books, blogs, and websites. And most of them repeat a lot of the same information. Which isn't a bad thing. For the the beginning Pagan or Witch there is a wealth of knowledge out there. And that definitely helped me get to this point on my path now. But as I feel myself advancing I find myself running out of resources to help me grow further. Where does a girl go from here? I've been at this road block stage for a while now. So I decided to take a break from my normal habit of researching and I've been reading things for fun (mmmm, scifi/fantasy books!! DELICIOUS!!!). But now I feel ready to jump back into my researching or discovering of the path and I have been falling short until recently. I found a book online the other day for about $2 (you've got to love the used book section on book store websites) called The Second Circle: Tools For The Advancing Pagan it's by Venecia Rauls. I've never heard of this author but one can't be too picky when it comes to advanced Pagan books. Especially this Pagan right here. I can't seem to find many books or much of anything at all. I'm only half way through the first chapter (sad isn't it lol) and it already has me thinking about things.

I think, like most people do in their daily lives, I too lack a certain level of confidence. You put me in a room alone lit only by a candle and tell me to perform a ritual or spell, you got it. I can handle that no problem. You bring me out in the daylight and ask me if I'm ready to advance on my path. I'll hesitate a little. I know that my knowledge is no where complete, but that's kind of the point isn't it. You never know EVERYTHING that there is to know, especially spiritually. Even coven leaders are still learning as they are teaching others. But I look in myself and I worry, "Am I ready?" I've been conflicting a lot lately with my path. Not so much the "am I sure I'm Pagan?" because that I know wholeheartedly. But more so on the level of, "Am I truly a Pagan in practice?" and that's where I falter some. I don't have a Pantheon, or any specific Deity that I call upon in ritual or life, I only perform spells in extreme rare occasions, and while I usually have every intention of holding a ritual something always comes up. So where does that leave me. I'm not sure that leaves me any where near where I need to be to advance to the next level. But I feel like I'm suffocating in the first level. So I find myself drifting in limbo. I know that in order to advance I don't need a specific pantheon of diety. Those come when the time is right. So I'm not too worried about that, at least not much. And spells come and go as you need them, at least that's my opinion. And while I need changes in my life, I find myself wanting to change it on my own and not ask the universe or the divine to grant me the will or help to do it. I feel wrong asking for help. Probably because I'm a stubborn mule who is beyond independent. Or if you're into psychiatry you could blame pride too >_< . For that I blame my father lol. But either way it brings my experience in performing spells down to a small minimum. However, I could write a spell with no problem. I have tons written in my little book. Just never performed. And this brings us to ritual. Everyone does things differently. Formal rituals, informal rituals, just lighting a candle and holding a conversation, everyone has their own unique style. If another person does their thing and follows their path then that is amazing and I will support them 110% and back you up in a court of law if I have to. But for me, for some reason I feel the need to have an actual ritual. When I say that I mean write it down, have an offering, call the quarters, invoke the Goddess and God, cast a circle, have a story about the Sabbat, the whole shabang (obviously not in that order though). But I find it hard to conduct ritual unless I stay up until 2 am and everyone else in the house has gone to sleep. So on most nights I find myself already asleep before the time everyone else is, and I feel terrible setting my alarm and waking up to do a ritual while I'm still half asleep (not to mention have work a few hours from then too). So when all is said and done. Is it possible for me to even think of advancing to a new level? I don't know. There is just so much to really think about. I will most certainly continue reading the book. And maybe I'll find my answers and my confidence along the way. And if not, maybe it will encourage me to make the changes that I personally feel I need in order to view myself as worthy of advancing to the next level. If not, I've been going back and thinking about starting from scratch. Rereading my old books, retaking notes, and starting from square one. Maybe doing that could help. Does any of this make me less of a Pagan? Not performing rituals/spells/having deities. Or does it just make me less of a Wiccan? Sometimes, I feel like it does. And I know I shouldn't feel that way, because as long as I believe what I believe in my heart then that is all that matters. But I can't help it. I feel like not having these having these things on a proper basis is like a Christian not going to church. No offense meant by the reference, but if you don't "practice what you preach" then who are you really? In this case, who am I?

My Pagan Heart

"And through the mist and fog I heard it,
Guiding me, calling me forth and keeping me near.
It's drumming, keeping time with the wind,
allowed my feet to lift and move forward
in times of uncertainty and desperation.
It is my compass to life,
allowing me no need for a map or hand written journey.
I only need follow the drumming,
the sounding that has been here from the start.
I only need follow my Pagan heart."

~Rippled Water



MMmmmm, New blog? Why yes, yes it is. I'm not sure what spurred me to start this, but here I am. Here I plan to keep documentation of my life as a person, a woman, a college graduate, and a Pagan. So where do we go from here? How about I introduce myself and my path :D

Well, my name is Jessica I do have a preferred pen name of Rippled Water. There's a story behind that, but for now that will have to wait. I am in my early twenties and I have "officially" been on the Pagan path for almost 5 years now (unofficially I would say I have been Pagan from birth) for some reason I keep telling people 6 years without realizing it til later. It's been 6 years for something completely different and only slightly related. I must learn to keep my head straight :D . I'm an Eclectic Solitaire Witch and while I'm not particularly interested in coven or group work, I do love attending public rituals just to see how others do things and I am trying to become a part of my larger community of Pagans. I'm a book worm and it's easy for me to read up on how to do things and flip through pages and memorize magickal properties and what-nots but there is a difference in reading it and living it. Being able to be a part of my larger community keeps me feeling connected not only to the divine but to the world around me. It's nice to not feel alone and like your insane or a spiritual anomaly. I feel like everyone needs a support system in which they can turn and ask questions and seek knowledge of the wise ones who have walked the paths before. I am not a hereditary Pagan/Witch. I was raised Christian in many sorts. My father is Methodist and my mother is Baptist. I grew up reading the bible, going to church, participating in Sunday school and joining organizations like the Girl Scouts. I met a Christian evangelist/extremist ( I know there is a difference but I have yet to see it)a few years back and we had a discussion (actually it's a funny story and you should ask me about some time and how I beat him with a hug) and he asked me, with a dumbfounded look, if I was raised so Christian how did I "go astray." Well, there's a story to every path of life. I simply told him that it was an educated life choice I made. That I had done a lot of research and it just felt like this is what I was supposed to be. But honestly, coming to your path, it's not easily described. I've tried many times to put it into words for my family, friends, even myself and, honestly, words just don't sum up half of it all. But, if you're interested, here's my story in a very, very small nutshell.

I feel like everything in my life, from the moment I was born, has been preparing me for this path. Everything in my heart has guided me here. My grandfather would send me "rocks" when I was a baby. I'm about 2, what do I need things like giant chunks and clusters of amethyst, rose quartz, agate and others for? My parents put them in my rooms non-the-less. From the time I entered school and could check out library books I would read up on ancient civilizations, mystical and sacred sites, I was even a avid researcher in palmistry by the time I hit middle school(though I am terrible at it). I mean, what child does this? It could be common, but with my friends and family it was treated as if it weren't. I did a lot of my research in private and secrecy because of this. By the time the Internet became popular (Oh, AOL and your terrible dial-up connections) I was looking up the metaphysical and discovering so many more topics than I knew what to do with. After I finished schooling and when I headed to college I decided I wanted a label. I knew what I believed, I just didn't know where I belonged. I mean, obviously there were others out there like me, I had been reading about all this stuff for years! And I know label's aren't always important, and what IS important is knowing in your heart what you feel and believe, it's just that I was getting tired of being wishy-washy when people would ask me. So I narrowed my beliefs down to Buddhism and Paganism through some reading and research(yes, again with the reading and research. When I said book worm I meant more like a giant anaconda or some prehistoric giganto worm the size of a mountain). I kept leaning toward Wicca though. But I didn't want to accept it. I knew the stereotypes that went along with it, not to mention the tools in high school who gothed and vamped it up just to get attention (I know stereotyping, but I knew some of those people personally, and I'm allowed to at least make this statement based on them). One Christmas day, I was awakened in the middle of the night with what we will term an "encounter" for lack of a better word. And from that day on I have claimed the Wicca/Pagan path. Seriously, it was like something just decided yo say, "Look, you need to wake up and get on with it." Once I started claiming and practicing I realized that I didn't even have to go out and buy tools. Some how along my life journey I had already acquired an athame, a cauldron, statues, everything. Now I know in order to practice you don't need the material possessions, just you and some free time, but it was almost reaffirming my choice. Just like something was telling me, "Yes, this is exactly what your supposed to be doing. We've been waiting for you to realize this." So here I am, still walking the same path I have been on since birth. I've just learned to recognize my surroundings more and to follow my Pagan heart.
So that's me in a tiny nutshell. I hope to expand more as I continue to post. But for now, I don't think it's too bad of a first post for a newb.