Monday, August 30, 2010
Calling me forward, just as before,
Sending me signs from the divide.
Which path shall I choose this time?
Who can I help along the way?
I think you sometimes find it funny,
the symbols and way you send your messages.
Leaving me stargazing and confused.
Lighted voices from beyond the veil,
What secrets have you come to tell?"
So, I have a partner in a swap that is working on gaining stronger connections to her spirit guides. And in researching some things for her, it's got me thinking about mine. I don't really contact them much unless it's through tarot. I use to use spirit boards, but some how using a Ouija seems to cheapen the experience lol. I know that's not true, but it just feels like I'm 12 again. I should probably invest in making my own. That would probably make me feel a little better about it. My grandparents who are spiritualists warn me quite often about it, saying it can open gateways and invite in unwanted visitors. I know that using any method of divination to communicate with the spirit can get me a direct line to someone I don't know who may just be wandering by. That's the chance you take. And I've had some experiences in my past with contacting spirits and they contacting me, so I've kinda came to the conclusion that if someone really wants to get a hold of me then they are going to do it anyways. I haven't had any crazy experiences since we moved houses back in the 11th grade (that other house was EVIL I tell ya! ok, maybe not evil but it definitely was not ok for me to be living in). I decided a long time ago that I wanted to be "normal." So I kind of just shut things off. Ok, so it's not as easy as it sounds, and it's not completely true. Things are completely shut off per se. Let's put it this way, I used to be able to see and hear things when I was younger, probably up until middle school age, or around there some where. But I didn't have anyone around me at the time to help me understand this and see it for something other than not "normal" and not supposed to be happening. So, I tried hard as hell to ignore everything and to just shut it off. But it's not a light switch, you can't just do it at will. I think instead of shutting things off, over the years I have gotten used to ignoring things and just pretending that their not there. Once I hit high school and I was able to really research and dive into things the way I wanted without parental permission or cast eyes. I started to really learn about what was happening and that for some people it is normal. I've tried to reconnect with that part of myself again, to strengthen it, but I'm starting to feel it could be a little too late. And maybe I'm still terrified to let it in. I've felt a stronger connection to my guides the past two years than ever before. Whether through dream work or just little things that have happened. I feel like they are here trying to let me know that everything is going to be ok. I think they're just waiting for me to say, "Ok, I'm ready this time." And I'm not sure I can say that just yet. I want to say it, but I'm not sure if that's something I can through alone again. Granted, I am surrounded by people who understand this time and who won't cast judgement my way, but I don't know, it just feels like something that will definitely isolate you for a bit.
I've known of one spirit guide for several years now, mostly through my grandma who said she made contact with her. I just kind of accepted it and was like ok, that's cool. But over the past two years I've felt her presence for myself and have even held conversations with her through a dream recently regarding my great grandmother and the issues were facing with finding her and this other woman with almost the same name. But last month I was having a dream, and I never have nightmares anymore so maybe these dream catchers are starting to work lol, but I was in the midst of this creepy, strange dream and you know how in scary movies the person goes to answer the door knowing that the psycho is on the other side and it's just anticipation until it happens, well it was kind of like that. I was about to open a door and confront this demon/thing that was chasing after me. I was like, fuck it! I've had enough! And as I was reaching for the door it's like this silhouette was cast from behind me out of nowhere and coming from my left side I hear clear as day "Wake up, Jessica." It was in this male voice, and the only way I could relate it to anything is it was almost like my dads but different. I can't explain it at all. But I just woke up right then and sat there for a minute like WTF just happened? And it's puzzled me for the past month, I think about it often. I have no clue what to say or how to feel about it. But suddenly my partner and I are talking spirit guides and I had one of those moments where you just go *facepalm* DUH! So I'm thinking maybe he's a spirit guide of mine. Strange for me to have a dude though. Not sure how I feel about that one, lol. I'm thinking that I am going to do this research for my partner and see what lands in my lap that can help me as well. She's pretty well versed with her guides though. I'm not sure how I can help her, but I'm sure I can find something she hasn't tried that will help strengthen her connection. And maybe when this is all done I will have strengthened mine as well. It would be nice. Honestly, I have only something to gain. What do I have to lose? My sanity? Psh, I lost that ages ago! HA! So hopefully some of my future posts will track my progress and even some of the methods I'm using. I'm still thinking I need to figure out this Annie Mae Brickhouse thing. I feel like she's a key somehow. To what? Not sure, but I know it's important.
Ok, I'm off to clean some more. NO I HAVEN'T FINISHED YET!!! Jeez! Yes, it's taken me over a week and I'm still only half way done. But in all fairness to me I've been rearranging things in those rooms as well damn it. *sigh* Fine, I'm going. :P
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
My garden is still fairing pretty well. It's coming to the end of it's terms. The zucchini plant has finally flattened, the tomatoes are slowly dying, the cucumbers aren't as plentiful, and the cantaloupes are a little meh. I have an awesome pumpkin though! It's a little mini, but it's still great! And I have an eggplant still growing. I'll admit the fruits of the garden haven't been plentiful this year but it's my first year back at growing anything and I'm just happy that they all survived this long. I'm the most excited about my pumpkin!! Check it out!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Friday, August 6, 2010
"Around he circles and follows near,
He keeps time with my steps and pace.
And much like a superhero he shows no fear
As he weaves in and out with childlike grace.
The water spritzes and the sun reflects
Displaying rainbows within the wet.
And quickly he zooms through its silhouettes,
With a careless poise that’s laughable, and yet,
It somehow becomes a dance of freedom, of wonder.
It entrances me and takes me to a place I haven’t been in a very long time.
Moments whirl by in a lifeless blunder,
And once again innocence and curiosity shine.
Without even knowing it Red teaches me so much.
Life is better kept simple without the rush."
And so it's August, the heat is in full swing, rain storms happen every night, and I am still dancing with dragonflies.
It's been 3 months almost since I graduated from college and not a job in site. Let me reword that. There are tons of jobs in site, just nothing local. And I can't afford to move out on my own to another state just yet. And I wouldn't be too pressed about it if things were a lot better at home or if I wasn't so worried that putting so much time between myself and my degree field would make me obsolete. But in all honesty, I'm not sure I even want to work in degree field. I have toyed with the thought of opening a restaurant or bakery since that is one of my passions. Or I have even contemplated opening a crafty business. I had my heart set on the latter for almost a year now, but Mabon is almost here and I don't have any stock or money to make stock in order to sell at the upcoming Pagan Pride Festival. And with that being said, I am vowing that in a year I will have amazing, crafty, pagan, goodness to sell next year at Mabon and Beltaine and maybe even a few of the other local events outside the Pagan community. And hopefully a second job or a full time job will come my way in the mean time to help me secure funds for all of this. Either way, I know everything will work out. It always does. Kind of like when I lose things, like my keys or money (which I happily blame the fae for!) it always comes back, one way or another. And that's not belief in destiny, that's belief in life in general. :)
Life has been crazy busy the past few weeks. My nanny died last month (that would be a grandmother for all you non nanny label users, lol). My dad is taking it in a decent fashion. We don't talk about it. That's how he handles things. I get that from him. We prefer to suffer in silence and carry on with the world on the outside. I was preparing my what-to-make-for-christmas-and-for-who list yesterday, and it just was weird not putting her name on it this year. I made her a country-esque quilt last year that she loved. She grew up on a farm in the Midwest, somewhere around Illinois and Missouri. I'll always remember her for her country style and slang. Growing up she would make snow cream in the winter.... you will never have anything like hers. It was amazing. And she made the best damn mashed potatoes and fried fish and chicken!! Dad loved her collards and corn bread. Around here in VA it's called soul food, and that pissed her off. She would always say, "Ain't no damn soul food! That's country cooking! Been around longer than damn soul food!" hahaha. It was terrible. She's had lung cancer for quite a number of years now but it hadn't been affecting her too bad, considering it was terminal. She was perfectly ok until February before her birthday. She had to go in for surgery and things were never the same from then on. She spent the following months in and out of the hospital and nursing home. Finally, last month she passed due to a mixture of pneumonia and the cancer. I went to see her in the hospital the day before she passed. It was like I knew what was going to happen. She had been unconscious for days now drifting in and out, but mostly out. I walked in, said my goodbyes and held her hand. As I was about to leave I told her "Goodbye Nan! I'll see you later!" And she opened her eyes and looked right at me. Her arms jerked like she wanted to move but didn't have the energy for it, so I went in and gave her a hug. Her eyes remained closed but I know she knew I was there. I had been dealing pretty well until now, but thinking about the holidays makes it harder now. I only have two blood grandparents alive now. My mom's mother who lives in South Dakota. We don't speak. And my dad's father who is currently in Missouri somewhere. Last I heard from him was when I returned from Africa in Jan. 2009. He had sent me a package of all the old photos my mom and dad had sent him throughout my childhood and up until current. He included a note that said he wanted them returned to me in case something happened. He knew his wife wouldn't be able to go through everything and handle it. I've sent him letter and called, but no one answers or replies. He could have passed and I don't know if anyone would ever tell me. But I can't think like that. I know his wife would find a way to tell me. She's a sweet woman. I wish I had been able to spend more time getting to know her.
So in between dealing with that and the memories of others who have passed before, one of my best friends was dealing with issues with her fiance and I was trying to be supportive for her, and of course the home front which I'm trying to remain positive about life has been, well, pretty complex. Not that life has ever been anything but. ;) Any who, here we are again. I find the most freedom in my crafting and in nature. It's the only time throughout the day when I don't have to think about others around me and I'm able to almost empty my mind and just..... breathe. I think this summer my favorite part of nature are the dragonflies. They've played an important role this summer, more than usual. When I go out to water my garden or just to look for things to harvest one is always around. I have about 2 or 3 that I call my "usual suspects." One I have affectionately names Red. Why? Cuz he's red. Creative of me huh? lol. He likes to come around and he actually will dance and run in and out and around my spray from the hose. It's like he's playing with me. It's adorable. I'll have to catch it on camera next time. So as an ode to my Red, I have themed this summer as "Dancing with Dragonflies." I think it has a ring to it. Red and the others help to remind me that there is nothing wrong with childlike perspectives on life, and sometimes that's exactly what people need. It's ok to believe that hiding under a blanket will protect you from monsters, or that sometimes when life has given you weights you just need to throw your hands up and start dancing. Take simple pleasure from listening to the birds, or feeling the breeze wrap itself around you. Life is terminal, and there is just too much of it rushing by when you just stand there. I started to breathe and live life 6 years ago my junior year in high school. And since I made that promise I think I have done pretty well with it. Now that everything else is over and I am in the "real world," as others like to say, it's time to really do some living and go for my goals. It's time to take flight and dance with the dragonflies and not look down or back.