Sunday, July 11, 2010

Freedom Through Self

The shadows crawl through a blind night
As liquid life spills from the pitcher.
Taking the form of the vessel given,
A round half moon, in this night of magickal rest.
Reflecting pool of the moonless breeze,
Let my light bounce between us
Causing waves in your bowl
And self discovery in my soul.

~Rippled Water

I'm thought I would take a break from doing some amazingness for my Gypsy Swap that I'm in, in order to let things dry. I am going so crazy without my craft room. It's so hot outside and the room/used to be porch is just concrete blocks so it's about double what it is outside. I can't sit out there for 30 seconds without pouring sweat!! UGH! I miss sewing so much. I haven't used my machine in months. I've been trying to do other crafty techniques and mediums to make it not so bad, but seriously, I have mad amounts of fabric I need to use up before I can even think about buying more. But whatever. It's July and the fall will be here soon.

Oh, the fall. Honestly, the only real part I enjoy is Halloween/Samhain. Fall and Springs are my favorite times of year but they also bring reminders of sadness. Bittersweet. I was given a reminder today about life and how I have chosen to live it. Actually, the whole day has served as a reminder. I woke this morning to be tagged in a note a good friend of mine had written on Facebook about love. The loving energies between strangers and friends working toward a common goal, helping each other out. And while I enjoyed her note, it got me thinking about love between partners and relationships. It's been a while since I had opened myself up enough to bother with that type of things. I've been single for over 2 years now. This February will make 3 years! :D And it has it's good and bad points. For the first time in my entire life I have been able to focus on me without having to wrap my whole world around someone else. And this freedom feels..... GOOD! It comes with the obvious pluses of being single. I can do what I want, not have to answer to anyone, I can look any direction I want, and I can spend more time with friends and family. But it also comes with this almost blissful freedom. It's almost spiritual. And because I have taken the opportunity to allot this time to myself I have grown immensely in many different ways. I have matured... A LOT! I can look back on old relationships and friendships and see where I was at fault and where others were just as much the blame. I can look back and see how unhealthy of a lifestyle I was leading myself down. The dependency I was creating. And just how much I based my future decisions on the decisions of others. After my last "relationship" ended... and we shall call it that for lack of a better word... I made a vow to myself. I told myself that if others could be selfish and live for them then why should I not be given the same chances. So here we are. Three years later. And, yes, there are some Cons to living this "single" life. It would be nice to have companionship, it would be nice to have another to share intimacy with, and it would be nice to have someone who I could share my world with. But the more I look at these excuses, the more I realize that I have ALL of that already, the only thing missing is a Penis. And, ladies, let's be honest, that's not at all necessary. hahaha. But I have never made use of that anyway. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a 23 year old virgin. Of my own free will at that! You tell me how many others you can find like that. I only know one other, one of my best friends. We decided that guys at our age are just full of drama. Once we get out in the world and they have aged, like a fine wine, and seasoned up a bit then we will worry about focusing on finding a mate. But at the moment, I have everything I need in life right here, right now.

My mother apologized to me the other day. I had a flat tire and I had to change it in front of the house before we could go anywhere. This man came out from across the street and offered help but I kindly told him thanks but I have it. And went on changing my tire. Mom and I got talking about women and how they are viewed as a damsel in distress and this led to a discussion of my "hatred" of men...... for clarity, I don't hate men, but I am starting to find their usefulness pretty low on the scale. She believes it's her fault that I'm such a bitter harpy.. haha. But honestly, it's not her fault. Yes, I would have benefited from having her have more of a backbone when it came to dad and now my stepdad. And it would have been nice to see her be more independent. But honestly, if anyone is at fault for my terrible outlook it would be the men who have come and gone throughout my life. All of my ex's, my dad, my stepdad, grandparents, all of these people helped shape my world and have yet to take any responsibilities for their actions. My dad is starting to understand and see. He's began to apologise and throughout the past 5 years of so we have begun the long road of reconciliation and reestablishing a bond or sorts. My stepdad, well, that's another very long story that I don't wish to discuss on my blog. I want this to be a place of self discovery, love, and light. And while I don't promise every blog will be light hearted and fun, I don't want to bring any negativity to it. And unfortunately, that's what he is full of currently. Long story short. It touched me that my mom would apologise but at the same time it saddened me that she found herself responsible. Everyone has their baggage. This is mine. I have chosen to pack it carefully and bring it with me. And when I am able to spark the change that my life needs, I will be the one to unpack it and toss it overboard. I bare my burdens. I once read an essay by Jesse Wolf Harden entitled "Burden Basket." It basically says throughout life you carry a basket on your back. And as you go along life's journey you pick up stones and whatever you feel you need to keep for the road ahead and place it in your basket. At times you will come to rest and take a break and empty out a few things you no longer need or want to be reminded of. But the key to the story is that YOU decide what YOU carry, how you carry it, and when you get rid of it. If you ever get a chance to read it, you should. I found it in a book edited by Patricia Telesco titled "Cakes and Ale for the Pagan Soul." (Great book by the way, highly recommended). Back to the point. I believe what essay said wholeheartedly. And it opened my eyes. I think I want to go through my life for the remainder of the summer months and begin to cleanse, purge and release what haunts me. I want to start to have a more optimistic look in things without falling into the trap of stereotypes and what others decide is optimistic and necessary. I also want to toe the line. I don't want to fall back into the trap I was in a few years ago where I was so optimistic about life I became blind to it's realities. I may begin tonight with the New Moon, just simply by making a list. I want to keep track of everything, and begin mentally working on things. And upon Mabon (an anniversary or sorts for me) I will turn a new leaf and begin a new life. Not completely new, just almost like adding anew addition to a house. I want to add new additions to myself that will bring the value of the self to a higher level than it currently is.

WHEW!!! That was a lot to get off my brain and chest. WOW! The inner workings of me, who knew. On another note, TONIGHT IS THE NEW MOON!!! What will I be doing tonight besides purging? I will be doing a small ritual to send healing to the Gulf for the oil spill thanks to a blog I discovered through a friend. I'm actually kind of excited to meet at the water once again. Furball and I quite enjoyed it last time.

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