Freedom Through Self

The shadows crawl through a blind night
As liquid life spills from the pitcher.
Taking the form of the vessel given,
A round half moon, in this night of magickal rest.
Reflecting pool of the moonless breeze,
Let my light bounce between us
Causing waves in your bowl
And self discovery in my soul.

~Rippled Water


I'm thought I would take a break from doing some amazingness for my Gypsy Swap that I'm in, in order to let things dry. I am going so crazy without my craft room. It's so hot outside and the room/used to be porch is just concrete blocks so it's about double what it is outside. I can't sit out there for 30 seconds without pouring sweat!! UGH! I miss sewing so much. I haven't used my machine in months. I've been trying to do other crafty techniques and mediums to make it not so bad, but seriously, I have mad amounts of fabric I need to use up before I can even think about buying more. But whatever. It's July and the fall will be here soon.

Oh, the fall. Honestly, the only real part I enjoy is Halloween/Samhain. Fall and Springs are my favorite times of year but they also bring reminders of sadness. Bittersweet. I was given a reminder today about life and how I have chosen to live it. Actually, the whole day has served as a reminder. I woke this morning to be tagged in a note a good friend of mine had written on Facebook about love. The loving energies between strangers and friends working toward a common goal, helping each other out. And while I enjoyed her note, it got me thinking about love between partners and relationships. It's been a while since I had opened myself up enough to bother with that type of things. I've been single for over 2 years now. This February will make 3 years! :D And it has it's good and bad points. For the first time in my entire life I have been able to focus on me without having to wrap my whole world around someone else. And this freedom feels..... GOOD! It comes with the obvious pluses of being single. I can do what I want, not have to answer to anyone, I can look any direction I want, and I can spend more time with friends and family. But it also comes with this almost blissful freedom. It's almost spiritual. And because I have taken the opportunity to allot this time to myself I have grown immensely in many different ways. I have matured... A LOT! I can look back on old relationships and friendships and see where I was at fault and where others were just as much the blame. I can look back and see how unhealthy of a lifestyle I was leading myself down. The dependency I was creating. And just how much I based my future decisions on the decisions of others. After my last "relationship" ended... and we shall call it that for lack of a better word... I made a vow to myself. I told myself that if others could be selfish and live for them then why should I not be given the same chances. So here we are. Three years later. And, yes, there are some Cons to living this "single" life. It would be nice to have companionship, it would be nice to have another to share intimacy with, and it would be nice to have someone who I could share my world with. But the more I look at these excuses, the more I realize that I have ALL of that already, the only thing missing is a Penis. And, ladies, let's be honest, that's not at all necessary. hahaha. But I have never made use of that anyway. I'm not ashamed to say that I'm a 23 year old virgin. Of my own free will at that! You tell me how many others you can find like that. I only know one other, one of my best friends. We decided that guys at our age are just full of drama. Once we get out in the world and they have aged, like a fine wine, and seasoned up a bit then we will worry about focusing on finding a mate. But at the moment, I have everything I need in life right here, right now.

My mother apologized to me the other day. I had a flat tire and I had to change it in front of the house before we could go anywhere. This man came out from across the street and offered help but I kindly told him thanks but I have it. And went on changing my tire. Mom and I got talking about women and how they are viewed as a damsel in distress and this led to a discussion of my "hatred" of men...... for clarity, I don't hate men, but I am starting to find their usefulness pretty low on the scale. She believes it's her fault that I'm such a bitter harpy.. haha. But honestly, it's not her fault. Yes, I would have benefited from having her have more of a backbone when it came to dad and now my stepdad. And it would have been nice to see her be more independent. But honestly, if anyone is at fault for my terrible outlook it would be the men who have come and gone throughout my life. All of my ex's, my dad, my stepdad, grandparents, all of these people helped shape my world and have yet to take any responsibilities for their actions. My dad is starting to understand and see. He's began to apologise and throughout the past 5 years of so we have begun the long road of reconciliation and reestablishing a bond or sorts. My stepdad, well, that's another very long story that I don't wish to discuss on my blog. I want this to be a place of self discovery, love, and light. And while I don't promise every blog will be light hearted and fun, I don't want to bring any negativity to it. And unfortunately, that's what he is full of currently. Long story short. It touched me that my mom would apologise but at the same time it saddened me that she found herself responsible. Everyone has their baggage. This is mine. I have chosen to pack it carefully and bring it with me. And when I am able to spark the change that my life needs, I will be the one to unpack it and toss it overboard. I bare my burdens. I once read an essay by Jesse Wolf Harden entitled "Burden Basket." It basically says throughout life you carry a basket on your back. And as you go along life's journey you pick up stones and whatever you feel you need to keep for the road ahead and place it in your basket. At times you will come to rest and take a break and empty out a few things you no longer need or want to be reminded of. But the key to the story is that YOU decide what YOU carry, how you carry it, and when you get rid of it. If you ever get a chance to read it, you should. I found it in a book edited by Patricia Telesco titled "Cakes and Ale for the Pagan Soul." (Great book by the way, highly recommended). Back to the point. I believe what essay said wholeheartedly. And it opened my eyes. I think I want to go through my life for the remainder of the summer months and begin to cleanse, purge and release what haunts me. I want to start to have a more optimistic look in things without falling into the trap of stereotypes and what others decide is optimistic and necessary. I also want to toe the line. I don't want to fall back into the trap I was in a few years ago where I was so optimistic about life I became blind to it's realities. I may begin tonight with the New Moon, just simply by making a list. I want to keep track of everything, and begin mentally working on things. And upon Mabon (an anniversary or sorts for me) I will turn a new leaf and begin a new life. Not completely new, just almost like adding anew addition to a house. I want to add new additions to myself that will bring the value of the self to a higher level than it currently is.

WHEW!!! That was a lot to get off my brain and chest. WOW! The inner workings of me, who knew. On another note, TONIGHT IS THE NEW MOON!!! What will I be doing tonight besides purging? I will be doing a small ritual to send healing to the Gulf for the oil spill thanks to a blog I discovered through a friend. I'm actually kind of excited to meet at the water once again. Furball and I quite enjoyed it last time. http://www.thediviningwomen.blogspot.com

What a day, What a day!

WHAT A PRODUCTIVE DAY!!!! I payed my bills (ok so a few are a little late, but that's neither here nor there), did some sketching out of ideas, watered my garden, cleaned my room and managed to change my bed set without the cat going insane and flipping out. I feel GREAT! It's definitely a change in the way I have been feeling as of late. Hopefully it will stay on track. I need to do a house cleansing but I have to wait until I'm home alone for that. So, hopefully, that will get done Friday and change the tide of the whole house as well. The animals are acting strange. The dog, cat, and guinea pig all are not eating. I mean, the pig is sick with a tumor so we understand that, but the dog and cat are both turning their noses up to everything except human food. There's no reason for it. It's not like they get a lot of human food, if any. Who knows. I hope tides begin to change.

On to another note, I have been growing a herb garden this year and it's going ok. I've lost my Marjoram, Dill, and the first Sage plant I had brought that was full of purple flowers already. But the new Sage plant is growing like crazy! And I love it! My Thyme is getting on ok, Basil needs to be re-potted, Mint could be doing better but it's not too shabby, Lavender confuses me since it hasn't bloomed, but I guess that's expected the first year. My rosemary is turning a little reddish/burgundy. I hope that's just because it's growing and getting older. Stevia is growing like crazy! I really need to figure out how to use it in my teas. My Lemon Balm is not doing well at all, I think it would be dead by now if it weren't so damn stubborn. It makes me sad because I absolutely love the smell of it. My Eucalyptus confuses me too. I think it should be getting bigger but so far it's not doing much of anything. My marigolds are growing very well, and I can't wait to harvest those! I've run out of glass jars to store the herbs in as I harvest, I need to take another trip to Big Lots and get some canning jars. I used my Eucalyptus and Mint leaves to make oils, but it's the first time I have tried making my own oils. I'm not sure it's working out quite so well. They haven't taken on any of the scent yet of the the herbs. It's been about 2 weeks now... *SIGH* I'll leave them in there for a few more and hope for the best. Maybe I should move them to my room instead of the craft room. It's the same temperature as outside in there. I'll probably do that tonight. I'll put my little herbal cabinet/apothecary on my weekend to do list. So far it's not too lengthy.

Weekend To Do:

1. Organize Herb Cabinet
2. Research Oils
3. Fix Water Hose
4. Look into Planting My Herbs Permanently in the Ground
5. Finish Two Projects: one for each swap I am currently in
6. Think About a Lugh/Lammas Altar (sketch it out)
7. Find a New Place for My Healing Cards (the place there hanging isn't working out)
8. Update My Swap Book
9. ID and Classify All My Stones
10. Alter/Fix My God Stuffie Pattern
11. FIND MY MISPLACED TAROT CARDS!!! (should be moved to the top but oh well)

The first sage plant. I LOVE the picture. It makes me sad it died so soon.

Thyme from the garden. It's since been re-potted. I need to upload newer pics.

Marigolds and Blue Boy's I believe. I can't remember.

Darn thing laid eggs on my corn stalk. But I haven't the heart to kill them or place them somewhere else. *sigh*

Annie Mae vs Anna Virginia

I'm not sure what's going on with me lately. I've been so tired. The past three or four days all I wanted to do is sleep! That's not normal for me. And no matter how much I want to sleep I can't. It's like something is keeping me up. Who knows. My body needs to stop being so damn difficult.

ANYWAYS! So it's story time!! YAY!! For the past few years (actually more than a few years) I have had the need to find my missing great grandmother. She died when my grandfather was only about 8 or so (and he's been deceased for sometime now so we can't ask him about his mom unfortunately). She's never been mentioned in the family. All I have of her is a photo of her wedding day. And it's so interesting because she's really dark in the photo. I'm positive she's not Caucasian. It's like a mystery. Someone needs to call in Scooby Doo for this one!! But either way, I've had this feeling since before knowing any of this about her. This year, after about Samhain or so, the feeling has been really strong to the point where I had dreamed of where to find her or where her grave site may be. Finally, my mother talked to her mother and we figured out where she could be. We made a few calls and FINALLY found her grave site. So last week Mom and I went out to see her. We had the hardest time finding her, and we found out through talking to my grandmother what my great grandmothers legal name is. For quite sometime now my mother has always referred to her as Annie Mae Virginia Brickhouse. For some reason that is what she remembers her by. Well, apparently her real name is Anna Virginia Denson Brickhouse. SO we called the grounds keeper in the park that she's buried and went out to visit. When we got there we couldn't find her so we stopped by the grounds keeper's building to get a map and specific location to help us out. The odd thing is before we got there someone had called and asked for the location of an Annie Mae Brickhouse and he had her registry card out on the table. When we came in he thought we were asking about her and was giving us the location to her grave, when I had to stop him and tell him that it was an Anna Virginia Denson Brickhouse we were looking for. Now I'm not sure if anyone has caught on or not. But Annie Mae was what my Mom had always referred to my great grandmother as. Not her real name. And this is what I had always known her as, especially the last few years. And even when I have dreamed of things leading me to her it was always an Annie Mae. What are the odds that while we are looking for my great grandmother with her REAL name we come across another lady with the EXACT same name we have been searching for to start with. And what are the odds that someone called and had asked about her and the grounds keeper was trying to get us to her instead (never mind the fact that they are somehow in the SAME park). I know, you would say it's a coincidence, an odd one, but a coincidence all the same. LIES I SAY!!! I don't believe in coincidences. This is just too strange to pass off. I feel like we were supposed to find my great grandmother, and the mystery of her life is something that I do need to find out, but for the moment I need to know and understand this Annie Mae. It's like we were led right to her. What I know about ANNA is that she was born in 1906ish and died in 1945 from pneumonia. ANNIE MAE, was apparently the name of my great grandfather's technically 2nd wife, but they got the marriage annulled after a while so she has never been mentioned or known of until now. Now, the Annie Mae we found in the park is not the same one he married. She is a different woman altogether. This one died recently in 2003 and is buried in a family plot of Brickhouse's. Who is this mysterious woman. Is she meant for us to uncover and learn about or are we meant to uncover and learn about this mysterious annulled marriage. What's going on here? Ya know, I could really use a sign. Someone feel free to send me one. SERIOUSLY!! It's just so odd. I need to do some more research, I've about found all I could on the Internet, so I guess it's time to find out what the hall of records has down at city hall. So my quest begins right? Wish me luck.